Do girls ever mean no strings attached?

Oh so, I told Darling that there were no strings attached, but a physical relationship was what I needed to get through this time in my life and seeing as we'd already made the "mistake" he'd be perfect.

Wow that sounds so stupid now.

Before meeting the F-Word (babe, stands for father among other words) I wasn't an angel, I wasn't looking for a relationship and I guess we just hungout for a while and then the boys moved in and I fell head over heals for them.

I've had one night stands and I've always been able to separate emotions from you know, but I had never done it with someone that had been a friend for such a long time and it has been almost 6 years since I've been with anyone but the F-Word.

Last night after the 3rd time we you know I was basking in the glow of the big O and I asked Darling to be my boyfriend...ooops. It was the first time I had ever made the commitment move. Well, he said "NO," and that I should be single for six months before even thinking of a relationship and in wake of his divorce and losing his son he didn't feel emotionally ready for a relationship either.

Damn it! See it I ever make the first move again...EWWWW

trying to be civil

today i was supposed to spend the day with the f-word and the boys at water park, trying to keep things nice for teddy bear's birthday.  i think that this is going to be hardest on him, so i purchased the f-word, myself, and the boys tickets and decided to go together for the little one.

he found out while were there that he knows darling and now he thinks i was cheating during our relationship, really!!  i have never been that type, unlike his new gf i have would not hang out with a couple for a month plotting behind the female's back to steal her bf.  so anyways he started acting weird when he found out i was seeing someone else. he probably thought he could have his cake and eat too.  of course he figured that i would be waiting around in case it did not work out with the new one.  who knew that i would move on with my life.

well it wasn't 2 hours before he decided to leave probably to go find drugs or something equally ridiculous.  it would have been fine except chasing 2 boys around without a water park without another adult is no fun! 

they still managed to have a great time, but on the way home sugar said he wanted to go back to his father instead of spending the night with me </3.  i understand that new stepmom has a nice big house and everything is shiny and new, but it still hurt.... a lot.

well i hope they are happy, but i hope the honeymoon phase ends soon, so that they want to hang out with me again :(

using the kids

Ok, Babe removed $40’s from the account I was not able to make un-joint yet. He did pay me back, but my point is that it is my money…

He did not work for the past 2 years and left me with what is so far $400 dollars in damages to repair the house I am renting (without labor, his uncle is doing that) from the “water damage” incident.

When I saw that the money had been removed from my account I called him a thief and was told that if I was going to make accusations like that he doesn’t know what I will say in front of the boys, so maybe I should not see them anymore…grrrrrrr.
I hate having no power!

So, when the boys were supposed to spend 4 days with me…
I got to watch them drive off, yet again…

Well the smile says everything…

Well, Darling called me on his lunch break. 

When the phone rang and I saw who it was I smiled…uh oh I guess I like him, I mean like like him. Crap…

Finding Comfort and being uncomfortable about it.

So...last night...yep

I wound up going to see a man that I have known since I was 13. I will call him Darling. He has always been a close friend and cuddle buddy.

He was trying to comfort me so we snuggled up and watched Twilight.

Well let me just say...we did more than cuddle...

Now I am confused,

o What if Babe wants to comeback, would I take him in order to get my boys back?
o Am I happy taking this step with Darling?
o Will it hurt Darling if I decide that I just want to friends again?
o Can we just be friends again?
o Was I just emotional?
o Did he take advantage of me, although I made the first move ;)?

DAMN IT! Caribel, what did you get yourself into!

Now a non-custodial pseudomom…but not the normal way

Babe, met a woman about a month ago.  She has a job and lives in a nice house…blah blah blah.  Well long story short he took the boys and is now living with her.

Our relationship had been over for a long while, but I would have stayed with him forever to raise my boys.  Now some other woman will get to tuck them in and say their bedtime stories and help them with their homework.  I would love to say that I was not dying right now, but I am.

I love my boys.  Babe says that I am still the closest thing that they have to a mom and that I can see them whenever I want, but I do not even get to know where they live, because the new woman knows I hate her and I guess thinks I would slash her tires or something (as if I would be that stupid).

I actually feel that this woman has done me a favor, but that doesn’t mean that I like females who act like they are your friends when they are really trying to take your family.

He holds all the cards and I have to behave myself.

Pseudo Mother's Day

You’re not their mother and it’s not really your day.

You are just a guardian, a step, not the “mommy,” not ever, not today.

The wart on your nose grows bigger in every way, when you tell them that they have misbehaved and cannot play.

Their mommy only takes them on fun days and they are never grounded there.

You make them sit in “timeout”; you are just too much to bear. At least until they want candy, or a game, or someone to listen and really care.

You are just as mean as their dad and never let them have fun.

Their mommy carried them in her belly, but not you, not either one.

They will never thank you for the protection you provide, for the house that you pay for or letting them sleep by your side.

You may never be called mommy, but they love you all them same.  You may not be the “real mom,” but they will understand someday.

You were the one that was always there and the one that kissed their booboos and combed their hair.

You are the one that takes them to park, when their dad is to busy working on the car. 

You take them swimming on warm afternoons.

You hold them when they are crying and chase away the evil goons.

You are not their mother; you are their Caribel. When writing an I love you letter yours is the name they spell.

They will know someday and love you all the more, because you chose to love them and unlike their “real mom” didn’t find it such an unbearable chore.

Unemployed

I was laid off today…

It is very scary, I support a family of 4, and Babe’s uncle also lives here. Uncle D works, but not on a regular basis, so sometimes I support him too. I received a severance, but it is not much.

In this economy, being jobless is terrifying and I hope to find a job soon.

There are also repairs that I have to make to the house I am renting. There was some water damage and instead of calling the landlord Babe, decided to fix it himself and well, he tends to destroy all that he touches (but I love him anyway). Therefore, there goes some of the money before we can even think of moving into a cheaper place.

I have been hard up before, but not desperately so. All I’ve had to worry about is getting the boys things they want not feeding them.

He's gettin' unhitched!

I have been filling out Babes divorce papers, it is kind of annoying that nobody will help (not necessarily him, he’s never been a paperwork person), but the M-Word, keeps bugging me about whether they are done! 

“Ok now sweetheart I am doing this so you and Babe don’t have to hire a lawyer, so leave me alone!”

I’d like to make a lot of excuses as to why they are still married and there are some and they are good ones

1. Babe was afraid of losing the kids.
   
2. She wanted joint custody.
   
3. Nobody could afford the filing fee.
   
4. Nobody could afford a lawyer.
   

But in all reality, we’ve all just been lazy.  These issues could have been resolved, we could have scraped up the money, but it didn’t happen.

She hasn’t seen the kids since February 8^th and that was when I went to dinner with her and her mother.  So it wasn’t as if I got a break.  I just don’t get her!  At least she is signing off on Babe getting 100% residential custody.

My best friend thinks that it is hilarious that I am handling it.  Hey, someone had to do it.  I am not in a rush to get married, but I’d like to think I have a choice.

So I guess I am now a pseudo mom and a pseudo paralegal.

Friends are the best!

After probably reading way to much into my sister's negative invite to her New Years Eve shindig, the boys, Babe and I decided to go to a celebration thingy that a town close to us was putting on for free. We'll we got out 50 bucks (we were gonna party, screw the bills) went to Burger King and showed up at 8 with about 35 dollars.

2 candied apples and 2 beers later (about 9:30) we were broke (the candied apples were 6 dollars a piece!). Babe is not a big crowed person, so we decided to leave, but that of course devastated the boys, since we'd already told them about the fire works at midnight.

I hadn't really been checking my phone that day, but I happened to go through my emails and txts before we left and noticed that at 12:30 my friend flower child had written me and asked if I wanted to bring the boys over and spend the night (she has a 13 year old daughter and her friend with 2 kids more the boys age were there).

See she loves hanging out with the babies!

We went there and made it by 11 (YES!) I got to spend my night listening to the boys play video games and drinking beers with Babe and my good friend! It doesn't get better than that.

My resolutions:

Manage my finances better (needs and wants)

Lose 20 lbs (the right way)

Quit smoking (by March 1^st)

To be more polite to those I love, than complete strangers

Be more positive